Finding My “Spark" Again

Halo semua, ini jurnal pertamaku.

Aku mau sedikit cerita ‘kenapa aku mulai belajar gambar lagi?’.

Kalau liat posting-an-ku sebulanan terakhir ini, aku sering post soal ‘belajar gambar lagi’. Daan, lama banget aku gak post apa-apa, beberapa tahun terakhir kalau pun post paling sesekali aja, jarang banget.

Nah, jadi sebenernya aku kehilangan minatku dan ‘spark’ di gambar. Aku tau ada yang salah sama diriku, selama beberapa tahun terakhir aku berusaha untuk ‘fixing myself’. Aku juga capek dengan perfeksionisku yang toxic. That’s why, aku lama vakum. Sampai akhirnya aku mutusin buat ke psikiater, ternyata selama ini aku lagi berjuang ngelawan depresi dan anxiety-ku.

Aku kayak gak punya baterai hidup, menutup diri, dan abisin banyak waktu buat overthinking di kamar. Gak ada keinginan atau satupun ide buat bikin ilustrasi, untuk projek pun aku sempat mandek.

Di tahun ini, aku milih untuk pulih dan istirahat total dulu dari pekerjaan juga interaksi intens dengan orang lain. Syukur alhamdulillah, setelah nemuin psikiater, lambat laun aku mulai punya semangat lagi, juga mulai produktif lagi.

Tapi, itu gak lantas ngembaliin ‘spark’ dalam menggambar lagi. Akhirnya aku kepikiran, 'kenapa aku gak coba dari awal lagi? apa yang dulu aku suka dan seneng lakuin?'. Aku berusaha nginget sewaktu aku rajin ngegambar dan main cat air setiap weekend, momen di mana aku betul-betul enjoy dengan ngegambar, gambar manual, warnain dengan cat air dan finishing dengan pensil warna, sambil bersenandung atau dengerin lagu Disney.

Aku inget, saat itu aku lagi suka banget sama Disney dan vibes-nya, entah itu animasi 2D klasiknya, lagu-lagunya, atau kartun masa kecil yang menginspirasi aku. Dan, aku juga teringat kalau aku suka banget buka-buka buku lama keluaran tahun 90-an, aku suka redraw dari buku masa kecilku.

Yup, jadi aku mulai lagi dari situ, aku tetep ngerasa perlu belajar ulang, karena ya... aku emang belum cukup explore dan perlu terus ngembangin dan pahamin kemampuan dasar. Tanganku juga kaku karena lama gak gambar. Sembari aku belajar, aku mulai buka lagi buku-buku masa kecilku. Aku mulai maksa diriku buat gambar lagi, dan milih untuk gak peduliin hasilnya bagus atau gak, yang penting, ini prosesku, aku cuma ingin nemuin ‘spark’-ku lagi, bukan validasi atau hal lain. Aku juga mutusin buat belajar "bodo amat" dan ngabain sisi perfeksionisku, juga nahan diri untuk kritik tajam ke diri sendiri.

Aku happy karena akhirnya aku mulai disiplin, aku mulai menggambar lagi, aku berharap bisa betul-betul enjoy lagi dan jadiin gambar sebagai hiburan buat aku, instead of pressure. Aku pengen lebih nikmatin prosesnya like i used to do, daripada pusing mikirin hasil akhirnya. Dan jujur aja, baru 1 animasi simple yang berhasil kubuat saat ini, yang betul-betul baru dari ideku. Bisa diliat dari posting-an IG terakhirku, itu dia ide yang baru menetas dengan gambar cepat juga ‘estetika’ miring-miringnya haha. Posting-an-ku yang lain itu cuma gambar lama, sketsa lama, gif lama, kerjaan lama, dan yang baru ya bagian dari latihanku.

Sekarang aku lagi nyoba buat coloring lagi, aku mutusin buat bikin style gambar dan coloring se-simple yang kubisa, yang aku gak perlu overthinking dan mikirin bener atau salah, aku buat rules-ku sendiri. Aku masih tahap eksplorasi, tapi aku mulai enjoy dan ‘ide-ide’ mulai lahir lagi.

Ya, mungkin itu aja untuk jurnal pertamaku. Terima kasih banyak buat yang udah baca dan mendukung babak baruku dalam perjalanan menemukan 'spark' ini. Dan untuk kamu yang juga ngalamin hal yang sama denganku, ayo sama-sama kita dapetin lagi ‘spark’ kita! Good day everyone!💖 — Haya

🇬🇧 English version

Hi everyone, welcome to my very first journal entry.

I want to share a little story about "why I started drawing again." If you’ve seen my posts over the past month, I’ve been sharing a lot about "relearning how to draw." It’s been a really long time since I posted anything consistently; over the last few years, if I posted at all, it was just once in a blue moon. It was super rare.

To be completely honest, I had lost my interest and that "spark" for drawing. I knew something was wrong with me, and for the past few years, I’ve been trying so hard to just "fix myself." I was also completely exhausted by my toxic perfectionism. That’s why I took a long hiatus. Eventually, I decided to see a psychiatrist, and it turned out I had been battling depression and anxiety all this time.

I felt like I had no battery left for life—I isolated myself and spent so much time overthinking in my room. There was no desire, nor a single creative idea, to make illustrations. Even my ongoing projects came to a complete halt.

This year, I chose to heal and take a total break from work and intense social interactions. Grateful, alhamdulillah, after finding the right psychiatrist, my spirit slowly returned, and I started becoming productive again.

However, that didn't instantly bring back my "spark" for drawing. So I thought to myself, "Why don't I just start from scratch? What did I used to love and enjoy doing?" I tried to remind myself of the times when I used to draw constantly and play with watercolors every single weekend—the moments where I genuinely and purely enjoyed creating art. Doing it manually, painting with watercolors, finishing it up with colored pencils, all while humming along to Disney songs.

I remembered how much I loved Disney and its vintage vibes, whether it was their traditional 2D animation, the soundtracks, or the childhood cartoons that inspired me. I also remembered how much I loved flipping through old books from the 90s and redrawing pages from my childhood storybooks.

So, yeah, I started again from there. I still feel like I need to relearn everything because honestly... I haven't explored enough, and I need to keep developing and understanding the basics. My hands were also so stiff from not drawing for so long. While relearning, I opened those childhood books again. I began forcing myself to draw, choosing not to care whether the final output looked good or bad. The important thing is: this is my process. I just want to find my spark again—not looking for validation or anything else. I also decided to practice the art of "bodo amat" (just letting go), ignoring my toxic perfectionism, and holding back from being too critical of myself.

I’m happy because I’m finally becoming more disciplined and drawing again. My only hope is to truly enjoy it and treat drawing as my comfort zone instead of a source of pressure. I want to embrace the process like I used to do, rather than stressing over the final result. To be fair, I’ve only made one simple, fully original animation from my own idea so far. You can check it out on my latest Instagram post—it’s the one that just "hatched" with quick sketches and its beautifully tilted aesthetics, haha! My other recent posts are just old drawings, old sketches, past works, and the new ones are just part of my practice exercises.

Right now, I'm trying to ease back into coloring. I’ve decided to keep both my drawing and coloring style as simple as I possibly can—something where I don't have to overthink or worry about what’s right or wrong. I'm making my own rules. I’m still in the exploration phase, but I’m finally enjoying it, and new ideas are slowly being born again.

I guess that’s all for my first journal entry. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read this and support this new chapter of my journey to find my spark. And to anyone out there who is going through the exact same thing as me: let’s find our sparks back together! Good day everyone!💖 — Haya